10 March, 2009

One Thousand Years Of Bad Luck

It's coming, and it's coming for me. I will be unlucky in love. I will have something disastrous happen. I will get bad sex for seven years and all my toenails will fall off. Somewhere in China a newborn baby with severe lung cancer from cigarettes will die, all because of me. All because I didn't pass this on to every person in my address book:
Give this rose @)-;--- to everyone you care about including me if you care. See if you get a dozen by Valentine's Day!
Do you have ANY IDEA how many of those damned things I got? (Neither have I. Lots.)

So I got a dozen, with a few to spare. A few dozen to spare, dude. And?


AND WHAT? So I got a dozen. Why isn't my screen flashing and a bear jumps into the middle and stars singing a Britney Spears song, or something?

If I press CTRL + N + F3, will something amazing happen?

Will one of my fondest wishes come true? Will a classmate I haven't seen since 1984 suddenly call me with important news? Will daffodils spontaneously fill my front garden? I wish they would...

People. I like to think I'm not friends with idiots. So, alright, I'll forgive you sending all the "roses", since it must mean you care for me. But what were you thinking when you sent me that photo of the four puppies and the kisses, JUST IN CASE you might get eight years' bad dog luck if you don't forward it within 30 seconds?

And the fundraisers. Oh the fundraisers. Dude, AOL doesn't care about the sweet little Pakistani girl with a goat growing on her forehead. They won't send 3 dollars for anyone forwarding that bullshìt. And Microsoft won't send three cents even if EVERYONE you have ever emailed since you got your awesome Hotmail account in 1993 reads the heartstring-tugging story THAT IS HEAPS TRUE because the email said IT WAS ON CNN.

People, I won't even love you, OR forward your mail, even if you send it in Hot Pink 16-point Comic Sans. In fact, do that and I might just un-remember who you are. My eyes, they bleed with the poor choice of font which breaks all rules of good taste! MY KINGDOM FOR VERDANA! Or even Arial. Or MS Sans Serif. Or Kristen ITC. Don't get me started on my love affair for Kristen ITC.