05 March, 2009


Dooce made me grin today. In her archives she covered Utah's Proposition 3 (if you have no idea what that was... just think "Utah's version of Prop8 in California" ie, "You can't get married here, gay people, there aint no room at the Inn for folks like you!").

She had also recently commented that once she was at a Tupperware party full of Utah women* and there was a REAL LIVE LESBIAN in the room, and thank God none of the women knew, or the sanctity of their marriages would instantly dissolve.

(I laughed at that. SO TRUE! Hide your wedding albums and cover your childrens' ears, because if a lesbian arrives, LIFE AS YOU KNOW IT WILL BE OVER.)

And so I was relating this to my SO and his response is...
Him: Damn lesbians! All they want to do is sleep with your woman!

Me: Yes. They have no interest in what your wife looks like, they want to steal every woman, and will do so regardless of the married woman's lack of interest in the lesbian. They threaten relationships everywhere.

Him: *nods* Just by existing.

Me: And for straight women, it's impossible to be friends with a lesbian, because they can't be just friends. Finding women attractive means they find ALL women attractive and in addition they cannot keep their hands off women everywhere, in fact most lesbians have problems going to the supermarket because they'll inevitably have to have sex with 30 or 40 people before they can take their groceries home.

Him: Just like all gay men want to do every other guy up the ass. Especially all the straight guys.

Me: Yes. Yes they do. Because, a gay man can convert a straight guy by doing him up the batty. Just like a straight guy can "cure" two hot lesbian porn stars, if they would just jump into his bed for a couple of hours.

Him: Yes! All lesbian sex is just pretend kissing and posing in case some guy happens to be around. They'll still be lesbians, but they just can't resist sandwiching any guy who walks in with his piece in his hand.

Me: Absolutely. Because they TOTALLY love penis. And his is the BIGGEST ONE THEY HAVE EVER SEEN which for a lesbian is Manna from Heaven.

After that, he went off on some tangent about how the only use for lesbians is to make the pizza delivery guy arrive at the door, since we all know that the girls are only making out while they wait for a guy to accidentally walk in on them, and then he will selflessly offer to "sort things out" using his genitals.

* Actually, they were Mormon women, but since being Mormon isn't a prerequisite for h8ing on the GLBT community, we'll just say they're from Utah, since Utah passed Prop 3.